Little Steps To Find Happiness

“What more is there to hold on to if all I ever grip are straws of love and friendship, nothing solid to grasp? Just sinking sands in the likes of my family, friends, and lovers.”

The low yet raspy voice masked the unshed tears of the podcast speaker.

I couldn’t lie anymore in my bulbous swing chair as I jerked to sit within the sanctum of my floral wallpaper den. My haven, circling me with romantic books and the citrus scent pouring from the diffuser in dancing steam. Despite the AC’s chilliness, I could feel the heat of the podcaster’s hurt and mine, an intertwined web, as if we were haunted by the same black widow. I crossed my long legs under my bare hips, the hairs on my skin standing on their roots. I wrapped my hand over the sheerness of my black bralette, one hand raised to rub my slender neck, roughened by goosebumps.

I repeated the podcaster’s verse that struck a wall of defense against my principles, morals, and sufferings. I repeated her words again, and the mighty blow it imparted on this wall shook the foundation of lies, deceit, and ignorance that I soaked my life until I was a ripe, succulent clementine with emptiness on the inside.

The podcaster’s words bludgeoned this brick wall—I had built myself with teary sand, regretful cement, and complaints shaped in clay bricks. My body ricocheted as the first wall of defense fell, and all that was left was the thin mirror that reflected the motion picture of my life. The mirror began to rattle violently, and like outstretched fingers, my vulnerability was splintered into a thousand pieces.

These pieces materialized from my mind, shimmering and floating to become the breadth of a door. My heart would have busted out from the beautiful synchrony of colourful broken pieces. If I stopped flapping my lids, my eyes would have bounced out of their sockets. They were wetted by the uncanny sight.

My astonishment came short when these angelic pieces hovered over me and plastered against my skin. The deadly pain flung me to the carpeted floor, and while I widened my mouth, mouthing screams, no sound escaped my lips. Tears stung my eyes, and I stretched my hands to reach for anything. Pieces by pieces bonded to my skin till the rich sheen blackness of my skin bordered the pieces like the tiles in my bathroom.

My heartbeat skyrocketed, and my panting could match a sprinter’s. An emerging wave of violence lashed at my core, clenching and threatening to tear me apart at being violated. I squeezed my eyes so tight, praying for help.

Suddenly, the pain was gone, and my eyes were open.

I rubbed my face and body, shock-stricken, sobbing at what I had become, but what gripped me was the live reels of each shard—distorted triangles, rectangles, trapezium, parallelograms, and all sorts of unnamed.

I spotted Nnena at a hotel, Jim pleasuring me on his car’s bonnet, and finally, my mum’s silent state.

I was least worried about my appearance as I picked up a piece of my life, pricking my skin ever so lightly, and watched.

••••

“Jim, I’m talking to you. Why won’t you apologize for embarrassing me tonight before all your friends?” I trailed behind him in the compound.

“It was nothing serious. I don’t know why you are making a fuss. I was only complimenting you. Why do you have to make a big deal of everything?” Jim was staring. His arrogant smile irritated me.

“You indirectly called me a slut. You told your friends about how you fund my lifestyle, and all I have to do is be your obedient pet. Did you even listen to yourself?” My rage scalded me like heat from a boiling kettle. It took a lot of fist tightening to avoid slapping Jim’s ebony face with his sculpted right-angled jaw lines.

“It isn’t false,” his teasing tone stressed the last word. Not his domineering height, the neighbors in the block of the apartment, nor the bleak night sky could stop what was to come.

I clapped my hands and laughed wickedly.  Jim’s audacity. I could run a car through him for what he did. “You know what,” I faced him squarely with a defiant jaw and locked my eyes with his; his handsome face was nothing more than slime on a canvas, and humour had disappeared from his face so that all that was left was unreadable, “I have allowed this go on for so long, I don’t even know who I am anymore. This isn’t the first time you’ve done this. You don’t care about my feelings. If I don’t wear what you like, you hate it. If I don’t behave the way you like, you lash out. Fine, I have had a couple of challenges over the years, but that doesn’t allow you to treat me like this. I am a smart woman, and you make me look stupid. I earn an average salary, and you enslave me. I am never enough for you. I appreciate all you do, and I have suffered because of it. I think it’s time for me to go.” I was panting, and my knees weakened from the outburst.

“You’re joking, right?” He laughed loudly, an unbelievable sarcasm. “You can’t survive without me. You’ll come back crawling for me to take you back.” And that was the last I heard of him.

••••

I took another piece, and it starred Nnena. We were on a staycation to get away from life’s harsh realities. Nnena was a sweet young lady, or what I allowed myself to believe. There had been all the signs she was a viper, but I ignored them. Her words were spiteful. She would say playfully:

“If Jim isn’t your soulmate, allow someone else take him. After all, you’re always complaining. You know most of the fault is coming from you. You should be grateful you have someone to care for you, or you would be suffering.”

“This one you’re glowing today, I hope it’s not to steal another woman’s boyfriend since you already have your own. Allow people like us to see before you have every man.”

“I am not like you o. You’ll be picky with men since you’re beautiful like mami water; allow us to breathe now.”

Nnena was milk-skinned. When the sun reflected, you would drop your jaw to admire. I was dark and blessed with a pointed jaw and high cheekbones, unlike her drooped eyes and richly endowed lips that complimented her round face. Why wouldn’t she appreciate her beauty? She indirectly blamed me for her relationship dilemma, but I was stuck because I had no other friend.

We booked a room in a 3-star hotel, exhausted from Friday working hours. I noticed that Nnena paid more attention to her phone throughout the day. Her eyes were fixed on the white screen, and her attention was undisturbed. When she was finished with her texting and dropped the phone, she got rid of her clothes and stepped into the bathroom. I was busy with the wardrobes and drawers when I heard my phone beep a million times. I rushed to the bed to retrieve it and was shocked when I saw forwarded messages from Nnena.

They were chats about me.

That Simi is annoying as fuck; if not that Jim wasn’t interested, I would have taken him a long time ago.

She really annoys me, and I hate her. Why does she get to have a good-paying job, a rich boyfriend, and the looks combined? Did they curse the rest of us!

If not that her mother had passed away, I would’ve cut her off. What use is she to me than to rant like I don’t have my problems?

If she paid most of my bills, and so? Isn’t that why she’s my friend?

I had to be dreaming. My breathing intensified, and my heart pounded against my ear. Nnena couldn’t have.

My supposed best friend stepped out of the bathroom and saw the horror on my face.

I left, crying my heart out.

••••

The final piece was in my hand, and tears flowed like pregnant rivers, glistening to the mirror tiles on my body. “Mummy, why did you leave so soon? Why did you allow me to face life alone after all we have been through together?”

I remembered her cold and lifeless body in the casket. It had been a year, but I still hadn’t accepted it. A frightful headache arose, and I could hear myself screaming. I thrashed myself, rolling from side to side, squeezing that tile till I bled. I was numb to the pain, squeezing harder.

“So many things happened in my life, and you weren’t there. I quit my job because I felt intimidated by my boss, who generously degraded women and sought satisfaction from our anguish; a semblance of your husband who would never be my father.”

I was coughing, sniffing back the phlegm from my aching nose. “I broke up with Jim because I couldn’t take it anymore, and then Nnena decided to betray me, but you were gone and I hated you for it. I wanted to pull you up from the coffin and close my eyes so that when I opened them, I would have dreamed. Your death was so sudden, and I wished to tell you how much I loved you. You were never perfect, but you were accountable for your actions. You protected me and taught me, despite going against me loving Jim. You were a friend no one could contest with. Mama, sometimes I wish you were my sister. As inseparable as mother and daughter, where I would be the one to protect you and guide you.”

My breathing steadied to normal, and I had stopped bleeding. My rampaging headache was gone, and my soul was free. The weight of a thousand stones lifted away.

“I love you so much and have accepted you’re gone, but your spirit will always be with me. I see your smiles and hear your voice, beckoning my grief to float away. I surrender it all to you, mum.”

I sighed, rubbing my swollen eyes.

The tiles began to leave, piece by piece, whirling away in the air. It was a sight to behold. My eyes twinkled at their migration till I was left in my bralette and panties.

Fluttering stomach butterflies spelt anxiety to try new things. My soul’s lightness was proof for all I let go.

I sighed, “Little steps to find happiness”.